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Photo Copyright Dawn M. Miller
Smash and Grab
“In all my days, Butch, I’ve never seen a jewelery counter left unattended.”
“This’ll be the easiest smash and grab ever, Skip.”
We’d cased the place. The take in precious metal and gems was in the tens of thousands.
We hung out in the Thunder Grill until the clerk went to lunch. As soon as he was out the door, we ran over, pulled out our hammers and started breaking glass. We rapidly bagged up the loot and made our escape into the parking lot.
We waited nervously out front, hoping the bus to the senior apartments wouldn’t be late.
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Dear Ron,
You made me laugh out loud. Thank you, I really needed that at this moment. In the second line from the bottom I think you mean make our getaway, not out getaway. What a delightful spin. I had to go back and read a second time and picture two old geezers with shopping bags. Nuff said. Nice one.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thanks, Rochelle, for pointing out that typo. I’ve fixed it. We old geezers have poor eyesight. Ron
And still men never grow up, lol. Great little piece 🙂
suggestion that you have (of course) every right to ignore. because it’s in first person, you are limited in attribution. you can’t say both “skip said” and “butch said” because the narrator has to be one of them. that forced you to put their names in the dialogue. however, when only two people are talking, we rarely say the other person’s name because we know there’s nobody else to get confused. therefore, you would have slightly better dialogue if you take out the names, then change it to third person, and have the narrator say “Butch and Skip cased the place…” instead of “We cased the place…” then change the “we” to “they,” and that should do it.
but it’s fine the way it is. i thought for sure it would be “butch” and “sundance” instead of “skip.” fun read. thanks.
Rich,
I see what you’re saying. I tried switching the whole thing into third person, but I didn’t like it as well. I think the reader relates better to the characters in first person. You’re right that it causes a small problem in attribution, but I think it’s a good tradeoff. Thanks for your analysis. I can’t really argue with it and I do appreciate the thought you gave this. Ron
glad to try.
It’s a long bus ride to Bolivia, darling. This was fantastic.
Hilarious twist you’ve dreamed up there. Love it!
Hope that bus gets there in time! The fact that they turned out to be seniors endears me to them 🙂 Great tale.
A job well done. Them and you. 🙂
Great twist there at the end – yes, I’m a fan of 1st person despite the shackles on the writer – interesting there.
That last line made me laugh — and a fun build-up to get there. That bus better hurry up!
OH Ron, like everyone else, you made me laugh out loud. The image of those poor old codgers waiting in the parking lot was too funny. Fortunately, I know how well those guys study the Bus schedules and I am certain the bus picked them up and they made their escape!
Unfortunately, there’s a traffic jam at Broad and Main but fear not–the sexy seniors spotted a little old white-haired lady sitting in an idling car. Cajoled her into giving them a ride and she took them right to the police station where their caretakers picked them up and took them back to The Home–(after, of course, they returned the goods, ponied up for the broken glass, received a good talking-to, and the news that they’re permanently grounded). Ron, I apologize for piggy-backing on your story but it was such a fun tale that I couldn’t help myself.
Loved it, VB. Great collaboration! Ron
LOL, love it. I bet they shuffled and wheezed out the door from the exertion!
Ahahah! I bet they got away with it too! 😀
Personally, I would have named these characters Ron and Perry. 🙂
My only critique is that several of the sentences start with “We.” You might try restructuring one or two of them to break that pattern–just a thought.
Overall, I loved the story.
Thank you for the chuckle! I like Butch and Skip, but just wondering if it’s not really Ron and Russell???
Dear Ron,
Now I know what to do when my writing carreer winds down. Great take on the prompt and a lovely laugh for me on the lonely summit. thanks.
Aloha,
Doug
I want to point out that I was no part of that heist and am way too young to live in a seniors facility! Well, I did take part but I was the youngest …
I may have been the older one, but you were the one wearing the Depends!
Such a beautiful, anti-climactic ending to this. I loved it. Don’t mess with those seniors. It reminds me of something on the Simpsons.
LOL aww, they sound adorable. hope they just let them get away. didn’t expect that ending at all ^^
ahh. they might have made it anyway… only to find that they have heaps of fakes.
Fantastic last line. I can see them hopping from foot-to-foot while they wait for the bus.
This one was hysterical. Made me laugh!