Smash And Grab – Flash Fiction For 8/30/13

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Photo Copyright Dawn M. Miller

Photo Copyright Dawn M. Miller

Smash and Grab

“In all my days, Butch, I’ve never seen a jewelery counter left unattended.”
“This’ll be the easiest smash and grab ever, Skip.”
We’d cased the place. The take in precious metal and gems was in the tens of thousands.
We hung out in the Thunder Grill until the clerk went to lunch. As soon as he was out the door, we ran over, pulled out our hammers and started breaking glass. We rapidly bagged up the loot and made our escape into the parking lot.
We waited nervously out front, hoping the bus to the senior apartments wouldn’t be late.

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27 responses to “Smash And Grab – Flash Fiction For 8/30/13

  1. Dear Ron,

    You made me laugh out loud. Thank you, I really needed that at this moment. In the second line from the bottom I think you mean make our getaway, not out getaway. What a delightful spin. I had to go back and read a second time and picture two old geezers with shopping bags. Nuff said. Nice one.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  2. suggestion that you have (of course) every right to ignore. because it’s in first person, you are limited in attribution. you can’t say both “skip said” and “butch said” because the narrator has to be one of them. that forced you to put their names in the dialogue. however, when only two people are talking, we rarely say the other person’s name because we know there’s nobody else to get confused. therefore, you would have slightly better dialogue if you take out the names, then change it to third person, and have the narrator say “Butch and Skip cased the place…” instead of “We cased the place…” then change the “we” to “they,” and that should do it.

    but it’s fine the way it is. i thought for sure it would be “butch” and “sundance” instead of “skip.” fun read. thanks.

    • Rich,
      I see what you’re saying. I tried switching the whole thing into third person, but I didn’t like it as well. I think the reader relates better to the characters in first person. You’re right that it causes a small problem in attribution, but I think it’s a good tradeoff. Thanks for your analysis. I can’t really argue with it and I do appreciate the thought you gave this. Ron

  3. OH Ron, like everyone else, you made me laugh out loud. The image of those poor old codgers waiting in the parking lot was too funny. Fortunately, I know how well those guys study the Bus schedules and I am certain the bus picked them up and they made their escape!

  4. Unfortunately, there’s a traffic jam at Broad and Main but fear not–the sexy seniors spotted a little old white-haired lady sitting in an idling car. Cajoled her into giving them a ride and she took them right to the police station where their caretakers picked them up and took them back to The Home–(after, of course, they returned the goods, ponied up for the broken glass, received a good talking-to, and the news that they’re permanently grounded). Ron, I apologize for piggy-backing on your story but it was such a fun tale that I couldn’t help myself.

  5. Personally, I would have named these characters Ron and Perry. 🙂
    My only critique is that several of the sentences start with “We.” You might try restructuring one or two of them to break that pattern–just a thought.
    Overall, I loved the story.

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