I stopped making resolutions for the new year many years ago. I could never keep them, so why make them? This year though, I’ve wised up. I’m only making resolutions I’m sure I can keep. Here they are:
Lots of complaining.
In 2013, I resolve to complain, whine, moan and bitch endlessly. Why wouldn’t I? The government is in gridlock, our infrastructure is crumbling, we’re deeply in debt, the environment is past the tipping point, our education system is failing, we have mass shootings, and the weather is out of control. If you’re not pissed off, you’re not paying attention.
Watch lots of bad television
I resolve to watch many, many hours of bad television. I’ll watch CNN until the stories are repeated two or three times. I’ll watch the weather channel until I can tell you the names and birthmarks of all the weather anchors. I’ll watch lots of junk TV, like American Pickers, Moonshiners, Househunters, shows about UFOs, crop circles, ancient Egypt, Finding Bigfoot (from the title I have to assume they’ll find one eventually), Survivor, true crime shows, and anything else that will keep me from having to do something worthwhile.
Watch many bad movies
I resolve to watch lots of bad movies. I’ll rent bad movies from Netflix and Redbox, watch bad movies on HBO and Showtime. I’ll watch lots of films that pop up on some premium channel late at night with a rating of one or two stars with actors that never quite made it. And nearly all these flicks will turn out to be turkeys. But I’ll watch them anyway, because they’re movies.
Watch many hours of televised sports
I resolve to wear out my recliner by watching too many hours of sports on television. Four hour overtime football games, three hour basketball games, five hour tennis matches, and when I can’t be watching actual live sports, I’ll watch announcers talking ad nauseum about sports.
I resolve to avoid physical activity of all kinds. Yeah, I know it’s supposed to be good for you, but don’t you believe it. The human body is a machine and the more you use a machine, the sooner it wears out. That’s my logic. If your car’s been sitting out in the drive for a week, would you go out and drive it a hundred miles to keep it in shape? Course you wouldn’t. The more you drive your car, the sooner it dies. I resolve to remain a low mileage vehicle.
Eat and drink things that are bad for me
I know I’m going to do this anyway, so why not just resolve to do it? I resolve to eat hamburgers, chili dogs, french fries, and swill Coca-Cola. I’ll eat barbecue, ice cream, chips, burritos and cookies and avoid all fresh fruit and vegetables. I’ll eat fast food, lots of sugar and fat, and I resolve to belch with great satisfaction.
Avoid other humans as much as possible
I resolve to avoid all human contact as much as I can. I’ve found other people to be the source of much of my troubles and they’re generally unappealing and irritating. I plan to accomplish this by leaving my house as little as possible and answering my phone to a handful of selected people.
Avoid going to the doctor or dentist
My association with doctors and dentists are these: sickness, pain and death. And the service is terrible. Can you imagine going out to spend your money in a store and having them usher you into a waiting room and telling you they’ll call you when a checker is available? I’m looking for a doctor or dentist that follow the barber shop protocol, three chairs, no waiting.
Write lots of stuff nobody wants to read
I resolve to sit at my computer every day and churn out a river of words that nobody wants to read. Then I plan to send it off to magazines and publishers so they can tell me it’s unsuitable for publication. I also plan to inflict my writing on unwary net surfers who stumble into my blog.
Spend too much money on cats and wildlife
I have this theory that whatever you were denied as a child will be what you will go ape-shit crazy trying to fill your life with as an adult. I live with a woman who was denied cats when she was a child. So now we live with 25 cats. I resolve to spend thousands of dollars in 2013 for the care and feeding of cats, deer, birds, raccoons and any other animals who wander by.